SFX:
Department store ambience

Grandma:
Do you mind if I look for a new pair of shoes? Grandma’s feet need lots of support and lately, I’ve getting a new pair.

Boy:
(8 years old and weary) No, it’s okay. Go ahead.

Grandma:
You sure? You’re . It’ll just take a minute. Grandma’s not going to buy anything. She’s just looking. (pause) Oooh, these are nice! Do you like these?

Boy:
They’re okay.

Grandma:
I wonder how much … (looking at price) A hundred and …!

Clerk:
Hi, can I something?

Boy:
She’s looking for a new pair of shoes.

Grandma:
Yes, but Grandma’s just looking; she’s not buying anything today.

Clerk:
Well, if there’s anything you’d bring out …

Grandma:
I’d like to try on these and these too, if you don’t mind.

Clerk:
Oh, okay, and the size?

Grandma:
Oh, I don’t know what days. (to boy) What size is Grandma?

Boy:
I dunno.

Clerk:
Perhaps I should measure.

Grandma:
I suppose you probably should.

Clerk:
Be happy to. Just have a seat and I’ll grab a shoe sizer.

Boy:
Grandma, I think you should just  size.

Grandma:
Oh, I don’t want to do that. It has to be exact.

Boy:
But you know what …

Grandma:
I an 8, but … I might be an 8 1/2 …

Clerk:
All right. Let me just slip off and … oh, my … ugh …

Grandma:
Now that feels good not being all squished in …

SFX:
Clerk falls over.

Grandma is oblivious to the effect she’s having.*

Clerk:
(gagging) My handkerchief. Must get my handkerchief.

Grandma:
(continuing) Lately I’ve been having a little swelling, so something a little comfortable …

Clerk:
(handkerchief over mouth) Stand up. STAND UP! You’re about a nine.

Grandma:
A nine?

Clerk:
Close enough.

Grandma:
Oh, good heavens!

Clerk:
I’ll be back. Excuse me.

Grandma:
Thank you. (to boy) Isn’t  ?

Boy:
Yeah …

Grandma:
(under) Now that’s the kind of service …

We follow the clerk to the counter.

Manager:
What’s the matter?

Clerk:
(gasping for fresh air) Her feet …

Manager:
What?

Clerk:
They …

Manager:
What, she doesn’t have any?

Clerk:
No, they …

Manager:
They smell?

Clerk:
Like you were downwind of a dairy farm.

Manager:
Oh, they can’t be that bad.

Clerk:
Oh, yes they can. Get the latex gloves out the shoes. I’m not touching her feet.

Manager:
I think you’re over reacting.

Clerk:
(off mic) GET THE GLOVES!

Manager:
All right, I’ll get the gloves …

Text and recording ©2007 RadioFilms, Inc. Used with permission.
This is an excerpt from Paul Kinney's comedy CD “Joyride”.

More information on RadioFilms.com. You can buy the CD at CDBaby.com.